A tweeter friend introduced a stand up comedian to me, Daniel Sloss. I don’t really appreciate his way of making jokes. I think most of his jokes were over acted, and overrated. That tweeter friend strongly recommended his jigsaw part to me. I didn’t even watch it. The moment he hinted that it’s something about testing the love relationship, I knew I’ll not be interested in it. It’s just a show off of a smug who thinks he knows love more than everybody. A kind of cynicism. A kind of “you know how vulnerable your love is? See? I’m not even halfway through!" Smugness. I may be a cynical guy but I hate cynical people. I hate every one of them.
But there’s one joke of Sloss’s that got into my mind since then. The “you think god saved you even I did your therapy" part. The atheist part. Yeah I quite like this part, especially under the circumstance I have been in recently. But I still think it’s not good enough. I always wonder, if you are a true atheist, you don’t bother making insulting fun of those who believe in god. Why bother openly offend people you truly believe are stupid? Like, some people in USA believe that earth is flat. You know those flatearthers are stupid. You know they’re not going to affect this world at all. You know no matter what they say they are by no means proselytising you. They’ll never affect you. So why bother? Sometimes you attack someone so fiercely is the way of hiding some underlying fear within you, that you may somehow be converted one day. That’s explains why Paul, when he was still Saul, was so aggressive, so burning brutal, so all over the place apprehending, in leading the purge of Christianity in Jerusalem. But what I see so far, is that the fiercest attackers of Christianity are atheists, surprisingly, those who supposedly care the least about those stupid Christians, who believe resurrection, with a 3-day delay. Who believe in final judgement, but no definite proposed trial date. You shouldn’t bother, mate? So why so serious about such a joke?
For the last couple of months I was like searing flames every time I heard people say, or saw people text, my wife, that “leave it to god", “live by fate, not by sight". Such kind of bull shit they think they are healing us. The most beautiful hymn about the grace have brought me the most furious tears. For the last couple of months what I wanted most to say is, “i also pray, praying you to have my situation my pain, and I’m fucking out of this pit, feeling innocent while so self servingly enormous that you shit has nothing to do with me, and I feel the grace so beautiful that almighty, that I say the same words exactly to you in the pit, so vindictively hallelujah that, leave it to god, live by fate not by sight."
I don’t know if I am Christian but I’ve been well trained to be one. I know one should count his grace. So I count how much he has taken away from me for the last two years. How much he has ripped up and torn apart what I had for the last two years. My son didn’t have a stable family to focus on his study, being mocked because of his low achieving academic performance at school. And I cannot even have time to spare to help him. My daughter didn’t have attention of her dad and especially mom at the age she needed most of it. She was taken away of physical contact with mom she loves most at the age she should have been given the most. My wife was taken away the wit, the physical ability to fend for her dignity, basic dignity, that she cares the most. She was bombed or gifted a paranoia by you for no reason, losing her determination to fight off her fear, that she scared the most she would lose. And I, and I, the humble I , always pray for nothing, but be myself, having the power to not caring anybody I don’t like, not needing the care of anybody I don’t care, not saying thank you to anybody, just being alone and along with myself. This, humble humble dignity you even ripped off me, crushing me on the ground, saying as much thank you as you are satisfied for the last couple of months, because you gifted me urgent need for help. Help that I don’t ever want but I needed so badly I begged for them, and saying thank you. You ripped me so fiercely that I need to beg. I’m now a fucking beggar because of yours almighty hallelujah.
But just like any ordinary love relationship. The one who ripped you the most is always the one who gave you the most. The one who infuriated you as much as he delights you. The one who caused you the deepest pain is the same bloody one who raised you the most elated paradise. But you know that at some point, you have to say, that’s all, grief no more, and we part our way. And we move on, and stop saying any word to insult each other, to prick each other. Because, why bother? We know it’s the past, the bye be the last.
I know it’s the time I say last prayer, the love words Christians say to their ultimate lover. This time, no more insult, no more anger, the suffering is, I think, enough. If faith is source of pain, I know it’s the time to take it down, and pursue something better. No need to make joke of your lovers. Why bother? If faith is what they need to live, so be it. It may be true to them. Just not what I feel in my alternate world. Just like ordinary love relationship: where one whom an ex-lover feels a misogynistic fuckwit may be the most faithful loving lover of her lover now. Maybe both facts of the same person are true, just not simultaneously applies. All depends on mutuality and reciprocity. Just like ordinary, just like faith.
I am finally free. Free to declare to the world I’m atheist. But unlike those atheists I know, I don’t say bad about Christianity. I don’t have their faith. That’s it, need not attack their faith.
My faith, if one can say it’s a faith, is I don’t believe in future. And I have no faith in future. My future is now, and if I am lucky enough to get myself alive to tomorrow, another now. Until there is no more now. Within it many things may happen to me, and to us, not for a reason, not even chance, too mathematical a word. I’m no good at maths. Rather, I just describe as happenings. Explanation is futile. Explanation leads to void, that some call faith. Rather, I should focus on my response, my action, to make myself stand against and get through that every day.
This is my last prayer.