Let’s Talk about … Introspect, Journey, Daily Life, Reboot

Chronic Melancholy, an intriguing and haunting terminology, a conviction of my sin for the last couple of years.

Five years? 6 years? a decade of more?

I can’t tell clearly, as them who gave out such conviction so casually, that made me feel time has had only quantitative accumulation on me; whilst the qualitative thing, which they said was my attitude, my substance, was the true culprit. Time has been just a witness, or a bank account which’s added nothing but compound.

I tried to protest. You are talking about Nature has stomped Nurture. My self is over my environment. You are giving conviction on a case for which, there is still a vacuum of where is the question. The Nature, or the environment. To me it’s two things that are always interwoven, interlacing and inter-dependent. Just like Karl Marx’s, the two things, Thesis and Antithesis, that co-exist together so that you can hardly, if ever, disintegrate. They are one! And this is mine self, a contradiction. A Thesis-Antithesis that I have never succeeded in deriving a Synthesis.

But I failed, because I, as always, had impulse to protest but afterwards. I never did anything on time. Protest, Introspect, Love, Appreciate what is precious. All of them do not exist to me at the moment they blossom. That makes me feel that I always miss something. I always loss something. I do everything only retrospectively. Even this writing.

So I always pray, for a reboot. Just like my login password of my desk at work. I have to reset every 90 days. And you can’t trick the server for a repeat of your choice until it’s passed 300 days. What a scheme! You keep on inventing new access to your brain, freshly, every 90 days; whilst you are fixed to dump old access to it! This may be the only thing I do right on time. The access. ‘Coz I am fixed to do it.

How can I fix my conviction? It’s a law thing. How can I fix? Today I think of writing a letter (just a whatsapp) to tell my wife how she is intertwined with my memory, or every login to my memory. My strength, my weakness, my every opportunity missed, to fix myself, to fix my conviction. My sentence.

Five years? 6 years? a decade of more?

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5 responses to “Let’s Talk about … Introspect, Journey, Daily Life, Reboot”

  1. janagora says :

    Have you ever watched the film “melancholia"?
    I feel so released watching it and it truly helped building a fantasy saving my mood swings

    • asortofharvey says :

      其實我好少睇戲的. 所以一講電影在TWITTER就會出洋相. but thank you for your recommendation.

      it is just a piece of work I try to polish/train my prose writing. To add some elaboration to enliven my eng writing.

      • janagora says :

        也沒所謂的,這是你的人生。那時我都支持你未睇就寫影評。只是抑鬱有點揭撕底里,不跌到海床難以翻身,可是到了海底又不等於一定會翻到身。
        要認同自己,要多點時間。

      • asortofharvey says :

        有時寫得鬱結D, 只為型D可以搏多個LIKE. 是否真的如我寫的那麼gloom, 我自己亦唔肯定. 夠GLOOM的我亦有時未必表達到出來(如ed miliband 那種哈姆雷特式悲劇我完成無能力亦無打算寫出來). 我某程度上同一個人的戰爭只是銀仔的兩面. 亦因為咁我寫了AVENGERS.改下筆觸.

  2. Janagora says :

    我認為你篇吳亮星應該收視唔錯

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